My Body ... Me ...

                   Silent tears, despair and fears

                        

                 Please release me... let me go....


My Body is not me... my body is not mine.

I have known this and experienced it since i was seven years old.
I always felt like an awkward temporary visitor inside it
and never felt much connection to it -as myself- other than a strong
sharp, accurate sense of its needs as a living organism.

I liked it, i shaped it, i kept it healthy to the best of my ability
or knowledge and it served me well but have always felt the distinct
difference and separateness of it and me as two entities
of a different kind co-existing in a temporary experience
defined as Life.

My Body is not mine...

This stark realisation has now more than ever become so clearly obvious and its truth unbearably painful and unavoidable.

Never before did we need each other more, never our awareness
of each other and of belonging and dependence was ever greater
and more desperately urgent than now... yet, we are still separate...

It wants and is obeying the law of its creation:
Every single part of it is fighting for Life as each tick of the clock brings it closer to its inevitable demise.

Every single part of what i am aware of as Me wants Out.

Yet i am still here...

There is Something more but cannot reach it and does not reach me
I am aware of It ...yet i am not ... neither have i its knowledge

Is it aware...does it Know ...it would seem not ... yet ... it dictates....


Please release me...

Air ... Ether ... Oblivion ... Beyond ....

Apparition

                                       


                     She looked at herself in the mirror...

                Apparition of an angel or that of a ghost
                In vain searching for her life of a long time lost

                She remained in silence - there was nothing to think
                All her thoughts and her feelings had run out of ink

               Nothing left to sustain her, but his faithful love
               her beloved sole companion as devoted as a dove.

               She wished for her life or if not then her death
               either one would be a blessing - if in Now and not at end

               Was an angel looking down trying to listen to her heart
               Not a sign nor a sound that could reach him that far up
               But her tears were still running while she pleaded for some peace
               wishing for a soft warm cloud wrapped in everlasting bliss!
                  
                                     * * * * * * * * * * *

For some time now i have been feeling tired and trapped
and desperately wanting out - out of here, out of today
out of the planet, out of life, out of my body,
out of awareness, out of any existence ... out of everything.
A total out as if i have never existed - ever!...

I remember having been through the same feelings
back in my early twenties but for different reasons ... if there were any.
Generally all has been extreme tiredness ...
of everything life, of everything struggle
of everything being what apparently is and yet it is not
and must become in order to Be...
... just knotted insanity called ... Life!...

During that time i had a strange dream:

I was inside a very large enclosed area like a valley or country...
I felt trapped. It was not enough. It was not enough for me.

I decided to get out. So i walked in one direction until i reached a gate.
As i was just about to step outside a guard of some sort said to me:
"You can not go out"
I asked him who he was and he said: " I am the Guard of the East Gate "

I turned around and walked to the opposite direction until i reached
another gate. Just as i was ready to step outside i noticed there was
a guard there too and he said the same that i could not go out.
I asked him who he was and he said he was the Guard of the West Gate.

Not to be deterred i turned around and repeated the journey to the next
gate with the same result, this time by the Guard of the South Gate.
There was still one more and with some anxiety now rising i was hoping
that at least this exit should be free - but it wasnt!...

The Guard of the North Gate told me too that i could not go out.
This time i was prepared to fight and i protested vigorously being ready
to go for a run if necessary - after all he was neither armed nor looked
dangerous. Quite unperturbed by my protestations and with a peaceful
patient, friendly voice he went on to explain what until then
despite the repeated experience i had not yet worked out.

He explained:

                 " You cannot go out because there is Nowhere to go!...
                   Wherever you go, you are Here...
                   Thats All there is and its All Here! "

This has haunted me for life.

It has both helped me over the years as well as frustrated me at times
and at this serious stage of my life where the feeling of "Out" is more
desperate and more intense than ever i just dont know how to deal with it...

I love life, paradoxically, no matter how crazy it all seems...
but i just feel that it is now time for me to go - because alive i am not...

Seashells

30 Sep 10

Seashells




She walks along the Beach and collects water for herself
and Seashells for someone little that she loves very much.

She talks endlessly in her head as there is no one else to talk to
nor things that she could share

She listens to the waves and the painful clarity
of her deepest thoughts.
Thoughts revealing internal realisations of cruel realities
she was very naive to imagine they could never be possible.

Some thoughts she wishes the waves could wash away
together with the pain and the burden they carry.

There are frequent moments she feels like she is the loneliest woman
on earth -but she knows this not to be true.
His watchful eyes and support are always there.

She often walks into the gentle waves
along the shiny bright path of the Sunlight
and imagines closing her eyes as her body starts to float gently
and quietly above the water
remaining there until all her thoughts, and all her feelings
and all her memories are dissolved
and nothing remains to bind her anymore
and still remains there ... floating free beyond time
wrapped in the golden rays of the Sun
and the wet transparent raindrops of a summer shower
and the magic silver of the Moonlight
until she finally comes to know that this too is part of a dream



in which her eyes will never open again...

* * *

(And a tune to go with the pain and melancholy of her soul...)

* * *

4 February 11

Last month of Summer...

Not a good one, except for some exceptionally beautiful, divine days.

I am still here despite my will as if i have to abide to some time.

I can feel my lungs closing in, my body stressed, poisoned
and overburdened, my heart pumping with great difficulty
the animal constantly digging into my flesh and into my soul
weaving deeper and deeper creating an empty shell
yet i keep going...as if i am still here...

It has been a long time since last, but i could not resist
bending down and picking up two more shells..... for no body...

I have now arrived at a state of existence that had it not been
achieved by cruel isolation and pain would have only been
an untenable dream and a futile aspiration, if not without this
soul wrenching experience-and for that alone i am happy.

I am also happy and at peace with myself that despite the weak
and self centered character i have been most of my life
i have managed to achieved the One and only, and as hard as hell
but deliberate and absolutely selfless act,
by shielding my girls and allow them the right to live their own lives
free from the burden, sorrow and pain of my own predicament.

Burning with longing desire to see their beloved faces
even if from some blessed safe distance, i often looked for them
on the faces of the many passer bys at the beach, at my walks,
at the shops, on TV and wherever else my eyes could reach
but i have eventually come to accept that they are permanently
enclosed in my heart and memory
always close to my heart beat
and i am not looking out there anymore.

I have not managed to save and spare the one
who stood by me and witnessed and experienced
all my tears and dark painful moments.
Less than that, immersed in my own world
i have been insensitive to the pain i have caused
and this i tremendously regret and appreciate deeply.

It is now most imperative that i establish peace inside...



6 Feb 11


"...I realise that the relief that comes from recovering my freedom
cannot in anyway be compared to the intensity of the suffering
i have known"

"Even Silence has an End" - (My Six Years in Captivity
in the Colombian Jungle - by Ingrid Betancourt)


I dont know if I will ever get to be free
I have lost faith and hope is hanging from a spider web thin thread
but i know exactly what IB is talking about.


10 Feb 11

Every day a prayer and an effort
to tie the thin thread of hope
between God's Mercy and Nature's Balance
...if only i could find where either one exists ...


11 Feb 11

I ask myself, what do i want while i am still here.

All i want is my body as it is, despite how i now look
- minus the torturer
and my Soul at where it has managed to climb.

Yet i wonder, do i really want to be here
and do i really desire anything anymore
or is it all just memory of desire as it was in some life past.

There are moments that i feel i would be happy to live
but there is no time i would feel unhappy to go
and this should be of some relief and consolation
to those who may grieve when the time comes



15 Feb 11

Looking back in the past and remembering and examining
different aspects of my relationship with my parents
has turned to an enlightening guide
answering various questions that often occupy my mind.

I have come to understand one very important truth:

I am here to Love them all
Not them to love Me...

Accepting, more than just understanding this, is a sign
of maturity, growth and eventually emotional independence.

Yet i confess i cannot help thinking
that there is a tiny little truth
in Louise Hay 's very perceptive saying:

"I see my parents as tiny children who need Love..."

I wish i had that insight back then....

(Power thought cards by Louise Hay)


19 Feb 11

The Sea milky thick - murky and filthy .

A permamnet Council sign - "Beach Closed"

The One and Only thing that offers some release and comfort
to my daily torture has been taken away
together with so much else...

The life guards were not there so i still went in...

I stood up to waist depth
swaying my hands in circles trying to keep the rubbish away.

He had Cancema on his cancers and should not get them wet
so he sat in the sand.

Within a few seconds he got up and started walking in.

What's the matter ?.. i asked,
thinking he was coming to warn me of something.

"I m coming to keep you company" he said
and he waded his way towards me, eager as a puppy!

I so longed to give him a Big Hug!...

It was a moment of pure Love from both sides...
i did not need anything else for a few seconds.
Life was complete....
Thanks Lover for always being here!


* * *

27 February 11

I have been blogging my brains out
trying to wash off the dark awareness of my tortured body
and its constant pain and misery.

I wake up at night from the sound of my own loud moaning.
My body knows and feels that it is constantly attacked,
violated and suffering and there is nothing - so far- i can do
to help and relieve it - God knows what i have used to no avail.

My Sea is destroyed and forbidden
but i try to keep it in my mind as beautiful as i have
experienced it, and know one day it will be like that again...

I have a created an artificial bubble like a secondary mind
where i escape for most of the day recreating my self
to what i want me to be, so that if i go suddenly
i do not drug all the darkness my body is subjected to
to a temporary eternity of an ever after ...

Nothing frightens me more than the idea that i might end up
being a bodiless awareness carrying a dark cloud of misery
to another dimension which may become a focal point
of attracting the creation of more of the same ...in a new body?
so i am trying to wash it out much like pouring clean water
from a tap 'above' -my artificial mind bubble- into a murky cup
of coffee...until there is not a grain left
and until i am in a new mind that knows there is pain
but is not touched by it or attached to it...

And the way i do it is -ironically- immersing myself into the pain
of other helpless souls, trying to help them
more than i can help my own self - at least my physical body
despite my extensive knowledge and inexhaustible
inventive nature.

Maybe this hardship is leading me without my knowledge
to the path of my heart's deepest desire...
which is the center of where i have always wanted to be
and through it to the Light and a state i know exists
but i only touch momentarily in very blessed but rare moments.





13 March 11

"Over time, you sense you must not distress others
with the memory of your own misfortune.
If you share certain things, they will stay alive
in other people's minds.
So the most gracious and appropriate thing to do
would be to let them inside you."

"Even Silence has an End" - (My Six Years in Captivity
in the Colombian Jungle - by Ingrid Betancourt)

This is what i have tried to do all along
successfully with my girls and brother
but have failed repeatedly to spare my man
from moments of incessant talk, tears or despair.

Five Years ...

*

Jan 2005 -2010

Five Years...


My world has not and Never will Be without Sonia

*

There is no day that goes by that she is not in my mind.
There is no day i do not speak to her
or look for her image in my head
or feel for her presence like an aura around me.

Yet there are moments that i miss her terribly.
I miss her so much that pain and tears well up and flood me...

A pain so deep that hurts like the burning of a fresh open wound.

I cannot touch her and this hurts...


In the brightness of every Full Moon i often seek her face



In its light i seek her essence
like a light that i can see up in the sky
and a light that i can touch on my skin
and i can feel it bright on my face
as i am looking up to her.

A light that can touch me and wrap itself around me
for just a few seconds a couple of nights every month
when there are no clouds in the sky...

*

Manoula

My heart a Burning Candle in your Memory
and when its flame ends
may it come and rest with you in serenity.

one experience

Since i am on the subject of death
there was also a strange experience...

Something like

All the lights deeming out
...and another light lighting up...

two significant discoveries

During my latest brush with death
i had two significant discoveries.
One about myself and one about my body.

About myself i discovered that i am the kind of animal
that when Its time comes, it goes away to die alone.

(All cats during our childhood had done that!)

About my body i discovered the distinct difference
between knowing mentally that i am dying,
and that of my body actually experiencing the dying.

For the past eight years i have known i m dying
but it was only this once that i actually felt it.

Any way, not yet!......for now.......the Cat is back!...