agony...

Like an insect pierced through the heart
pinned helplessly on a board

dying the slow agony of its cruel destiny



death or no way out...

Month of Breaks...

         

First the Car broke down and we had it fixed ... $$$.

Then it was time for the well overdue regular maintenance = more $$$

Then my Stick mixer broke and lucky i had a spare one
but bought a replacement anyway.

Then something of vegetable nature went off - completely dead
and caused a smell the equivalent of a dead rat ... of vegetables
making it impossible to breath - in our just freshly fixed
and done all over Car, so we had it professionally
"deep suction and steam cleaned" = more $$$

Then our new kettle broke, still to be returned and replaced.

And now my spare Stick mixer has a long broken crack
on its main circular part at the base where it takes all the impact.
Still working for now but any day it will spring its surprise.......

As for our frail tempers that have been tested to their extremes
well... they have been broken repeatedly and re-mended with
...sellotape!...Lol!

I wonder what will it be next?... fridge? ( 16 - 17 years old?)

like the donkey

                           

I feel so sick and tired and utterly exhausted in every inch
of each and every dimension of my three dimensional body
that i just want to close my eyes and slip quietly into oblivion
until either all is over or i am... but i still keep fighting
because the day i read a little story something changed deep in me
in the very core where the reserves of strength reside,
even though my mental disposition still remains weak.

I found it very inspiring and it has helped me to keep on going
no matter what, so that i can be here if in no other way
at least by just being here, for my Loved ones.

    * * * I miss my so very much * * *


I am going to record the little story here so that i can read it
as often as i need to and for those of mine that may find it
inspiring too for their hard times.



       




One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.

The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried
to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be
covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back,
the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top
of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up
over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

MORAL:

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off
and take a step up.

Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.

We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
and never giving up!

        * * Shake it off and take a step up... * *

tossed and turned

                 


I thought 2009 was one of the hardest years in my life
and then i had a small brief respite in the beginning of 2010
- the usual summer improvement i always get to feel -
which i enjoyed and appreciated more than ever before
but alas it did not last very long...

For many weeks now i have been physically tortured
and emotionally and mentally tormented
only because there is no action i can take that does not backfire
in one way or another creating more problems and suffering
for my beleaguered body and tired emotions.

I hate it when i feel that i have no choice...
my mind goes crazy trying to find a solution
-perhaps its way of feeling that it / i have some control
no matter how small.

I have been tossed between feeling either totally defeated
or just caught in a never ending loop which drives me to insanity
and it is only my mind's tendency to split things into levels
and create from each one - and for each one
a detached observer and analyzer that experiences
and expresses the experience in its own way
-through my blogging ...schizonalities-
that saves me from drowning in deep despair.

It is only through this tendency that i can see
that whenever i reach the end of my rope
i discover there is endlessly more to go
and when i am sinking into emotional nothingness
i discover my depths of strength are surprisingly deep
and my resolve to fight back astonishingly strong
so much so that at times i believe that my grave plaque
will be engraved with:

"Our ...near Indestructible Old Lady" Lol!

                    * * *

My mind the Bridge to my Soul

My Liberator

Nowhere to go but here and only here

Here where i feel imprisoned and defeated

Here where i discover at the end of my rope
there is endlessly more to go

Here where i turn my weakness to steely strength
Even as i feel i am melting into nothingness

Here where my defeat turns to the victory
of hope new...

The experiences, the events, and the ways they are felt
The testing grounds and tempering fire
The steel anvil of earth
Where the stars of heaven are created.

And when a tear has finally crystallised
A small diamond has just been created.

                     

nurturing life

     

The new building across our verandah
is now in its final stage of development
and some of the beautification work has started.

A few days back the empty garden space was filled with soil.
There were strong winds for the following two days
and i was sure a lot of the freshly prepared soil
would be blown away and the poor plants
when they were eventually planted
would suffer in that place under the current weather.

Then a gardener came and planted a few very slim
and delicate young trees and some other smaller
and lower to the ground plants.

Later in the evening when all the workers had gone home
it rained and it has rained every day since
and their then dry ground has been nicely wet and rich
and i can tell they are and are looking very perk and happy!

I am happy too because i have a very strong nurturing instinct
when it comes to all young things and i kind of felt unhappy
for the hardship i perceived they would go through
at the start of their lives in their new place.

This somehow made me think back of the times during both
of my pregnancies when a young 'tree' was growing inside me
and the winds were blowing hard and unfriendly
and the visible future looked dry, bleak and unpromising
and the only visible and hard solid promise each time
was that of hardships all the way ...

...and then ...the rains came ...time and time again ....

and softened the blowing of the winds and the dryness of the ground
and our young 'trees' grew steadily and safely over the years
and -i would like to believe- fairly unharmed...

It made me see once again that beyond Today and its limited visibility
and possibly unpromising perception of the Future
there is the real Future unfolding in its own wondrous way
bringing the unseen gifts of Life's benevolence
and often its rich surprises...


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


(Of course there is an underlying understanding here
that as we are part of Life's expressions
our positive desires and conscious efforts and contributions
are part of the elements that form the matrix from where
the rains and the gifts and some of the surprises come...)

reconstructing...

That's me reconstructing "Sun" Lol!

       

Finally

Well!...Finally today!...

It was not like i had done all that i had to do
nor that i was exactly in the right mood for it
but rather that like an impatient young lover
wanting it to be just perfect for the first time
yet could not wait for it to happen either!

So ... very impatiently at last, i Ripped it out
of its wrappings and set it up on my lap
and immersed myself in the pleasures of my
very first -and only!- wooden Sudoku Board game!

So happy and excited i was that i managed to set
the initial pieces wrong ...and i could not do it
after two frustrated repeats,
until Teddy suspected and checked it out and found the error.

After that it was down within a few minutes
but it was one of the easiest ones until my brain
gets used to the size of it which is considerably
larger than the notebook ones i was working with.

Additionally i am a bit rusty because after the painful
disappointment of my previous attempt to get one
for my Teddy i stopped playing with it all together
even though i collected and saved very carefully
new ones every week.

Now that two good angels, one in the sky and one on earth
unexpectedly brought it back in my life
i m ready and set for many happy repeats!


Here it is my little toy



Isn't it a little beauty?

a ...happy pain?

I'm in agonising pain!
Kidneys and Spine...



So much so that i feel ...happy!...

I'm guessing the endorphins must have kicked in.

How else would it be when the only news this morning
was that my swimming pass will go up by $20 to $90

Living is getting expensive, lol! but it is fair value
it keeps me ...living!

here...or there...or there!...

           

I have been so very busy recently
despite how i have been or been feeling healthwise
that i am thinking this little message i have at the top right corner
which says: "If you miss me i will be here"
should have a little addition to it to read...

" ...or there... or there... or there! " lol!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

sunday surprises

Sunday was a fruit market day.

Nothing much to marvel about and just the usual anxiety
to complete the shopping successfully.

On the way out, driving in a careful crawling speed
due to the small entrance and many cars coming and going
about 50m to the exit we saw what it initially
appeared to be a mad tomcat chasing a mad crow
and a mad person standing there with a big smile
trying to get a phone photo!

By the time we got closer though we realised
that the mad tomcat was not a mad tomcat at all
and it was not chasing a mad crow...

It was rather a mad crow...chasing a very cute
baby koala which was trying desperately
to climb up the branches of a tree
and the mad person was as mad as i got with delight
trying to -naturally- capture the moment.

The cutie finally managed to climb safely up
on a very low branch and then set itself watching
the photographer looking much as if it was posing
and thinking: how do i look good like this?

Of course all that was my imagination, it was probably
only wondering what was going on and possibly
a bit relieved to be saved from the crow
as now our car was only inches away
with me jumping up and down in my seat and asking Teddy
'where is your phone! where is your phone!'
Alas his phone was not there...



,

Well that was one nice surprise as i have not seen
a so young koala from so close and especially not
in our neighbourhood. I had seen one many years back
high up on a tree in a Zoo somewhere.

When we went home, Teddy went to his father
for their day out and i got on the internet
to check blogs, news etc and of course read my horoscope
which said:

Someone's kindness touches your heart today;
this is a person who is quite sensitive and caring
towards you but goes the extra mile for you today.
Show your appreciation.

I did not think there was anyone that could really go
the extra mile for me on a Sunday when everyone
was busy and no plans to meet with anyone,
but i liked it and i recorded it.

Later on when Teddy returned home he was carrying
what is usually a bag containing a bargain PC game
for his when he retires library.
I gave him a warm hug and a kiss and i said:
" Well, what have we got here?!...a new ...."
as i was searching for the words in that empty brain
he helpfully completed my sentence: '..a PC game..."
I said 'yes, thats what i was going to say.'

He then held the bag high in the air and said:
'well not this time!" and he handed it to me.

I was surprised because i had not asked him to do
any shopping for me and then even more surprised
the EXCITED kind of surprise
to see that he had bought me another book
just as i had finished the previous one!

So, that was my second delightful surprise for the day...



and the memory and pleasure will be there
for many days to come...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Yesterday i was also told that Santa
has got another one coming for me
and i am supposed to forget all about it

but ...




~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dracula's favourite

I am Dracula's
favourite blood bank vending machine.
just press 'any key' ...or even not
and there comes his desired daily requirement
gushing out and a lobotomy the cherry on top

I just can't reconcile and am very frustrated
with the paradox of a clearly and systematically
developing fact that in order to live
i must practically ...not live
and in order to get better
i must not try to get better with any of the things
or the ways that used to work before
because now they seem to be causing
or compounding the existing problems
so i just have to hold on to the fragile branch
of my dear life and hung out precariously
over the deep valley waiting for it to brake...

I can't see the point...


Will catch up later when feeling better.

perseverance

Gees that water was cold this morning!



But being a persistent girl as i am and for the sake
of good health you should have seen how hard
i both flogged and then drowned the proverbial horse...

Before long though i ended up feeling like a pet rock



flailing seaweed arms and legs in the air and the water
and finally got out of the water half done.
Now wouldn't a day off been preferable?
hard to say...lol! ...I had to try anyway...

Busy

I am well ......
..well sort of well and sort of not...not sure
but this does'nt really matter

I will be busy for the next few days
so......if you miss me ...
i will ......not be here!

cut off

When no email arrives when logging on
and none for a while after
there is a distinct feeling that arises in me
similar to the first few moments when discovering
the electricity has just been cut off...



Thank goodness for the Bloggs!...

...and someone has just turned the lights on! :) :)

temporary relief

Small temporary reprieve from a very uncomfortable
situation that has heavily plagued our home recently.

Dont know how long it will last
until heads are back in hell's bucket again
but for now i am very relieved...

little beauty

My little beauty has had many unsuccessful attempts
to produce an offspring during the last couple of years.

In the first year she produced 3 long thin shoots
but they soon dried out.
She tried again the next year with another 4
but they too did not last very long.

Since moving in our new home she has been happy
on the kitchen window seal bathed by the morning sun light
and watered daily from the rinsing sink kitchen bowl
which is obviously rich in live nutrients,
so a couple of months earlier, out of no where
and in the middle of the winter she surprised me
with a nice long white flower with light purple hue
and yellow pollen on its stem



but alas nothing came out of this either.

A few weeks earlier i noticed a small rice size
green bump in between her bottom outer leaves
which developed daily imperceptibly
into something that looks like a baby's new tooth.

Now though i can see the unmistakable shape of
a miniature little beauty looking exactly like her Mum!

Oh she looks so cute, that i giggle inwardly
every time i look at her.

So far she looks very healthy and very determined
and of course she has caused her mum to lean over so much
to the side to make space for her to grow
so that one day she will look exactly like her mum
only much younger and prettier!



Soon i shall have to find her a place of her own
where she will be able to display
her pretty little self in all its glory!

Her name is Druid

trapped

Small things in life can make me happy
very happy with just very small things



but right now some very bothersome events
are eating my brain like tumors
and they are here to stay for a while...

noisily peaceful weekend

Interesting mix of weekend paradoxically noisy yet quiet
both on the inside as well as the outside.



My horoscope for 2010 ...which i do not dare read yet!...
due to that Saturn sitting in there for the past 2 and a half years and another so much more to go yet
and feeling i ve had enough of its lessons and restrictions
for a life time so far and not looking forward to anymore of it
yet curious as to what the planetary influences will be ahead.

Then a good starting to what seems to be an absorbing
romantic novel which has been recently made into a film
and promising to keep me quiet and happily interested
and immersed in it during the next few weekends.

No need to say that due to it from the time i sat down
after doing all morning house chores
our weekend was very quiet in deed...
a) because it only takes to read for 15 minutes
before i fall asleep for one full hour or more
b) because when i am asleep Teddy also goes to sleep
and c)...during those 15 mins i manage to keep my eyes open
trying to start reading again, i am quiet due to reading
as well as due to the preparation of my brain ...
to depart once more for another trip to sleepland ...



Now if one was clever ...he would never let me be without books on any weekends what-so-ever!... hint! lol!...

Prior to sitting down of course our kitchen & loungeroom area resembled a tennis court as far as sounds went.

A lot of granting and groaning on my part like a tennis player
with every little effort trying to do anything that required the tiniest effort like lifting, opening, closing of small items
or bending even slightly forward to reach an item in a cupboard etc due to the extreme heat and consequent lack of oxygen and the resulting breathing difficulty.

The beginning of Spring and Summer is always hard
but eventually comes some reasonable adaptation
until then i will be grappling with lethal exhaustion.

So, all in all ...
a strangely noisy yet very quiet peaceful weekend
on one level, yet i m guessing each of us very noisy
and actively preoccupied
in the maniac brainiac recesses of our own minds.

still here

I am still here and no lobotomy anymore
but a bit tired and introspective.

Keep looking and you will see me popping up!






Hi!

weekend adventures

..........................









Quiet weekend at home as usual and better than expected.

Sunday i was accompanied to the Pool
for a surprise 'let's swim together' day.

All lanes taken on arrival and all empty when leaving, lol!
but we still managed to do a day's work.

I tried my hardest to impress him
with a near 50m non stop butterfly
but changed over to breast stroke for the last 4 strokes
so that i would not swallow a mouthful of backwater,
and to make it playfully sexy, instead of touching the wall
i gently wrapped my arms around him and whispered:

"Do you like caching ...Butterflies?"

to which he replied ...

" well that wasnt really a butterfly was it?"

I sighed and said "...yep!...sometimes its just a moth..."

Then we returned home somewhat refreshed
... just and only until breakfast,
when ...Teddy went to sleep... deep sleep
for a couple of hours and when i say a 'couple'
i will not qualify as to what i mean...

I sat next to him but so dead tired
that i could have melted easily
to a very flattish blob on the floor myself.

And that's the end of this exciting story...

Hey!...you are not allowed to yawn!... i can see you!

*************