tossed and turned

                 


I thought 2009 was one of the hardest years in my life
and then i had a small brief respite in the beginning of 2010
- the usual summer improvement i always get to feel -
which i enjoyed and appreciated more than ever before
but alas it did not last very long...

For many weeks now i have been physically tortured
and emotionally and mentally tormented
only because there is no action i can take that does not backfire
in one way or another creating more problems and suffering
for my beleaguered body and tired emotions.

I hate it when i feel that i have no choice...
my mind goes crazy trying to find a solution
-perhaps its way of feeling that it / i have some control
no matter how small.

I have been tossed between feeling either totally defeated
or just caught in a never ending loop which drives me to insanity
and it is only my mind's tendency to split things into levels
and create from each one - and for each one
a detached observer and analyzer that experiences
and expresses the experience in its own way
-through my blogging ...schizonalities-
that saves me from drowning in deep despair.

It is only through this tendency that i can see
that whenever i reach the end of my rope
i discover there is endlessly more to go
and when i am sinking into emotional nothingness
i discover my depths of strength are surprisingly deep
and my resolve to fight back astonishingly strong
so much so that at times i believe that my grave plaque
will be engraved with:

"Our ...near Indestructible Old Lady" Lol!

                    * * *

My mind the Bridge to my Soul

My Liberator

Nowhere to go but here and only here

Here where i feel imprisoned and defeated

Here where i discover at the end of my rope
there is endlessly more to go

Here where i turn my weakness to steely strength
Even as i feel i am melting into nothingness

Here where my defeat turns to the victory
of hope new...

The experiences, the events, and the ways they are felt
The testing grounds and tempering fire
The steel anvil of earth
Where the stars of heaven are created.

And when a tear has finally crystallised
A small diamond has just been created.