Seashells

30 Sep 10

Seashells




She walks along the Beach and collects water for herself
and Seashells for someone little that she loves very much.

She talks endlessly in her head as there is no one else to talk to
nor things that she could share

She listens to the waves and the painful clarity
of her deepest thoughts.
Thoughts revealing internal realisations of cruel realities
she was very naive to imagine they could never be possible.

Some thoughts she wishes the waves could wash away
together with the pain and the burden they carry.

There are frequent moments she feels like she is the loneliest woman
on earth -but she knows this not to be true.
His watchful eyes and support are always there.

She often walks into the gentle waves
along the shiny bright path of the Sunlight
and imagines closing her eyes as her body starts to float gently
and quietly above the water
remaining there until all her thoughts, and all her feelings
and all her memories are dissolved
and nothing remains to bind her anymore
and still remains there ... floating free beyond time
wrapped in the golden rays of the Sun
and the wet transparent raindrops of a summer shower
and the magic silver of the Moonlight
until she finally comes to know that this too is part of a dream



in which her eyes will never open again...

* * *

(And a tune to go with the pain and melancholy of her soul...)

* * *

4 February 11

Last month of Summer...

Not a good one, except for some exceptionally beautiful, divine days.

I am still here despite my will as if i have to abide to some time.

I can feel my lungs closing in, my body stressed, poisoned
and overburdened, my heart pumping with great difficulty
the animal constantly digging into my flesh and into my soul
weaving deeper and deeper creating an empty shell
yet i keep going...as if i am still here...

It has been a long time since last, but i could not resist
bending down and picking up two more shells..... for no body...

I have now arrived at a state of existence that had it not been
achieved by cruel isolation and pain would have only been
an untenable dream and a futile aspiration, if not without this
soul wrenching experience-and for that alone i am happy.

I am also happy and at peace with myself that despite the weak
and self centered character i have been most of my life
i have managed to achieved the One and only, and as hard as hell
but deliberate and absolutely selfless act,
by shielding my girls and allow them the right to live their own lives
free from the burden, sorrow and pain of my own predicament.

Burning with longing desire to see their beloved faces
even if from some blessed safe distance, i often looked for them
on the faces of the many passer bys at the beach, at my walks,
at the shops, on TV and wherever else my eyes could reach
but i have eventually come to accept that they are permanently
enclosed in my heart and memory
always close to my heart beat
and i am not looking out there anymore.

I have not managed to save and spare the one
who stood by me and witnessed and experienced
all my tears and dark painful moments.
Less than that, immersed in my own world
i have been insensitive to the pain i have caused
and this i tremendously regret and appreciate deeply.

It is now most imperative that i establish peace inside...



6 Feb 11


"...I realise that the relief that comes from recovering my freedom
cannot in anyway be compared to the intensity of the suffering
i have known"

"Even Silence has an End" - (My Six Years in Captivity
in the Colombian Jungle - by Ingrid Betancourt)


I dont know if I will ever get to be free
I have lost faith and hope is hanging from a spider web thin thread
but i know exactly what IB is talking about.


10 Feb 11

Every day a prayer and an effort
to tie the thin thread of hope
between God's Mercy and Nature's Balance
...if only i could find where either one exists ...


11 Feb 11

I ask myself, what do i want while i am still here.

All i want is my body as it is, despite how i now look
- minus the torturer
and my Soul at where it has managed to climb.

Yet i wonder, do i really want to be here
and do i really desire anything anymore
or is it all just memory of desire as it was in some life past.

There are moments that i feel i would be happy to live
but there is no time i would feel unhappy to go
and this should be of some relief and consolation
to those who may grieve when the time comes



15 Feb 11

Looking back in the past and remembering and examining
different aspects of my relationship with my parents
has turned to an enlightening guide
answering various questions that often occupy my mind.

I have come to understand one very important truth:

I am here to Love them all
Not them to love Me...

Accepting, more than just understanding this, is a sign
of maturity, growth and eventually emotional independence.

Yet i confess i cannot help thinking
that there is a tiny little truth
in Louise Hay 's very perceptive saying:

"I see my parents as tiny children who need Love..."

I wish i had that insight back then....

(Power thought cards by Louise Hay)


19 Feb 11

The Sea milky thick - murky and filthy .

A permamnet Council sign - "Beach Closed"

The One and Only thing that offers some release and comfort
to my daily torture has been taken away
together with so much else...

The life guards were not there so i still went in...

I stood up to waist depth
swaying my hands in circles trying to keep the rubbish away.

He had Cancema on his cancers and should not get them wet
so he sat in the sand.

Within a few seconds he got up and started walking in.

What's the matter ?.. i asked,
thinking he was coming to warn me of something.

"I m coming to keep you company" he said
and he waded his way towards me, eager as a puppy!

I so longed to give him a Big Hug!...

It was a moment of pure Love from both sides...
i did not need anything else for a few seconds.
Life was complete....
Thanks Lover for always being here!


* * *

27 February 11

I have been blogging my brains out
trying to wash off the dark awareness of my tortured body
and its constant pain and misery.

I wake up at night from the sound of my own loud moaning.
My body knows and feels that it is constantly attacked,
violated and suffering and there is nothing - so far- i can do
to help and relieve it - God knows what i have used to no avail.

My Sea is destroyed and forbidden
but i try to keep it in my mind as beautiful as i have
experienced it, and know one day it will be like that again...

I have a created an artificial bubble like a secondary mind
where i escape for most of the day recreating my self
to what i want me to be, so that if i go suddenly
i do not drug all the darkness my body is subjected to
to a temporary eternity of an ever after ...

Nothing frightens me more than the idea that i might end up
being a bodiless awareness carrying a dark cloud of misery
to another dimension which may become a focal point
of attracting the creation of more of the same ...in a new body?
so i am trying to wash it out much like pouring clean water
from a tap 'above' -my artificial mind bubble- into a murky cup
of coffee...until there is not a grain left
and until i am in a new mind that knows there is pain
but is not touched by it or attached to it...

And the way i do it is -ironically- immersing myself into the pain
of other helpless souls, trying to help them
more than i can help my own self - at least my physical body
despite my extensive knowledge and inexhaustible
inventive nature.

Maybe this hardship is leading me without my knowledge
to the path of my heart's deepest desire...
which is the center of where i have always wanted to be
and through it to the Light and a state i know exists
but i only touch momentarily in very blessed but rare moments.





13 March 11

"Over time, you sense you must not distress others
with the memory of your own misfortune.
If you share certain things, they will stay alive
in other people's minds.
So the most gracious and appropriate thing to do
would be to let them inside you."

"Even Silence has an End" - (My Six Years in Captivity
in the Colombian Jungle - by Ingrid Betancourt)

This is what i have tried to do all along
successfully with my girls and brother
but have failed repeatedly to spare my man
from moments of incessant talk, tears or despair.

agony...

Like an insect pierced through the heart
pinned helplessly on a board

dying the slow agony of its cruel destiny



death or no way out...

Month of Breaks...

         

First the Car broke down and we had it fixed ... $$$.

Then it was time for the well overdue regular maintenance = more $$$

Then my Stick mixer broke and lucky i had a spare one
but bought a replacement anyway.

Then something of vegetable nature went off - completely dead
and caused a smell the equivalent of a dead rat ... of vegetables
making it impossible to breath - in our just freshly fixed
and done all over Car, so we had it professionally
"deep suction and steam cleaned" = more $$$

Then our new kettle broke, still to be returned and replaced.

And now my spare Stick mixer has a long broken crack
on its main circular part at the base where it takes all the impact.
Still working for now but any day it will spring its surprise.......

As for our frail tempers that have been tested to their extremes
well... they have been broken repeatedly and re-mended with
...sellotape!...Lol!

I wonder what will it be next?... fridge? ( 16 - 17 years old?)

Big Dog

Something to see...

http://gizmodo.com/368651/new-video-of-bigdog-quadruped-robot-is-so-stunning-its-spooky


Warning: It will eat up quite a few MBs from your monthly quota.

If you are on unlimited downloads it is worth a look.

It's funny and spooky as well, i could not stop watching it.

like the donkey

                           

I feel so sick and tired and utterly exhausted in every inch
of each and every dimension of my three dimensional body
that i just want to close my eyes and slip quietly into oblivion
until either all is over or i am... but i still keep fighting
because the day i read a little story something changed deep in me
in the very core where the reserves of strength reside,
even though my mental disposition still remains weak.

I found it very inspiring and it has helped me to keep on going
no matter what, so that i can be here if in no other way
at least by just being here, for my Loved ones.

    * * * I miss my so very much * * *


I am going to record the little story here so that i can read it
as often as i need to and for those of mine that may find it
inspiring too for their hard times.



       




One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.

The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried
to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be
covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back,
the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top
of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up
over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

MORAL:

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off
and take a step up.

Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.

We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
and never giving up!

        * * Shake it off and take a step up... * *

The Bell of 'status!'

Me living as always in my own far away planet of thoughts
and Teddy walking around the house barefoot and inaudible
i often end up jumping out of my skin with freight
every time i suddenly discoverer him standing behind me
or coming out of a room i am walking into.

                       

So he volunteered a while back to hang a cat collar with a bell
around his ankle so that i can always be aware of where he is.

Very cute and sexy and much like i have my own ...harem boy
about which we joke a lot, yet i know not many husbands
would do this thing no matter how caring.

No need to say of course that this is a rather special case
because getting scared causes adrenalin to rush into my body
which consequently results in to many days of bleeding.

Sunday while i was getting ready for the pool
he looked rather thoughtful and preoccupied.
I thought it was due to his upcoming trip interstate
but the last minute he surprised me with a decision
to accompany me there for a swim, again so very nice of him.

We arrived early as usual in order to get a good lane
and the pool was still closed with a few regulars
waiting outside already.

On Sundays there is a young lad, a squad swimmer,
who often comes to open the Pool and when he arrived
he walked past us and proceeded to unlock the door.

While he was doing so - and as we were standing behind him
both Teddy and I observed that he was wearing a yellow,
leather like anklet, with brown shapes around his right ankle,
much like a cat collar really because of its shape, width and colour.

It seems that Teddy must have been thinking pretty much
what i was thinking, except that he had noticed something i had not
or rather i had not thought about ...

......and he leaned close to my ear and whispered:

      " He is not married .... ... No Bell! ... "


                   

tossed and turned

                 


I thought 2009 was one of the hardest years in my life
and then i had a small brief respite in the beginning of 2010
- the usual summer improvement i always get to feel -
which i enjoyed and appreciated more than ever before
but alas it did not last very long...

For many weeks now i have been physically tortured
and emotionally and mentally tormented
only because there is no action i can take that does not backfire
in one way or another creating more problems and suffering
for my beleaguered body and tired emotions.

I hate it when i feel that i have no choice...
my mind goes crazy trying to find a solution
-perhaps its way of feeling that it / i have some control
no matter how small.

I have been tossed between feeling either totally defeated
or just caught in a never ending loop which drives me to insanity
and it is only my mind's tendency to split things into levels
and create from each one - and for each one
a detached observer and analyzer that experiences
and expresses the experience in its own way
-through my blogging ...schizonalities-
that saves me from drowning in deep despair.

It is only through this tendency that i can see
that whenever i reach the end of my rope
i discover there is endlessly more to go
and when i am sinking into emotional nothingness
i discover my depths of strength are surprisingly deep
and my resolve to fight back astonishingly strong
so much so that at times i believe that my grave plaque
will be engraved with:

"Our ...near Indestructible Old Lady" Lol!

                    * * *

My mind the Bridge to my Soul

My Liberator

Nowhere to go but here and only here

Here where i feel imprisoned and defeated

Here where i discover at the end of my rope
there is endlessly more to go

Here where i turn my weakness to steely strength
Even as i feel i am melting into nothingness

Here where my defeat turns to the victory
of hope new...

The experiences, the events, and the ways they are felt
The testing grounds and tempering fire
The steel anvil of earth
Where the stars of heaven are created.

And when a tear has finally crystallised
A small diamond has just been created.

                     

nurturing life

     

The new building across our verandah
is now in its final stage of development
and some of the beautification work has started.

A few days back the empty garden space was filled with soil.
There were strong winds for the following two days
and i was sure a lot of the freshly prepared soil
would be blown away and the poor plants
when they were eventually planted
would suffer in that place under the current weather.

Then a gardener came and planted a few very slim
and delicate young trees and some other smaller
and lower to the ground plants.

Later in the evening when all the workers had gone home
it rained and it has rained every day since
and their then dry ground has been nicely wet and rich
and i can tell they are and are looking very perk and happy!

I am happy too because i have a very strong nurturing instinct
when it comes to all young things and i kind of felt unhappy
for the hardship i perceived they would go through
at the start of their lives in their new place.

This somehow made me think back of the times during both
of my pregnancies when a young 'tree' was growing inside me
and the winds were blowing hard and unfriendly
and the visible future looked dry, bleak and unpromising
and the only visible and hard solid promise each time
was that of hardships all the way ...

...and then ...the rains came ...time and time again ....

and softened the blowing of the winds and the dryness of the ground
and our young 'trees' grew steadily and safely over the years
and -i would like to believe- fairly unharmed...

It made me see once again that beyond Today and its limited visibility
and possibly unpromising perception of the Future
there is the real Future unfolding in its own wondrous way
bringing the unseen gifts of Life's benevolence
and often its rich surprises...


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


(Of course there is an underlying understanding here
that as we are part of Life's expressions
our positive desires and conscious efforts and contributions
are part of the elements that form the matrix from where
the rains and the gifts and some of the surprises come...)

My next Laptop?...if only!

That's the kind of model i had in mind!

Fantasy or reality?

Have a Look at this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7H0K1k54t6A

good for a day, lol!

Well, that's why JC is my favourite astrologer;

He seems to know things about me

...others may only suspect!


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Virgo, Sunday, 7 February 2010

Week Ahead :

The ancients believed that, sometimes, gods and goddesses
would come down from their dwelling place in the astral realm
and assume a mortal guise.

These days, few of us entertain such grandiose notions.
If such heavenly beings were in our midst, we would notice,
wouldn't we? Not, perhaps, if we actually were one of them.
What if that's who you are - but you have forgotten?

It would explain many things, including the grand drama
now unfolding in your personal life
as if it were some classic tale of lore and legend!

Try acting, this week, as if you have the authority and
charisma of a deity.
For in a way, you really do!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

By Jonathan Cainer
http://www.cainer.com

Nine Years...

Nine Year Milestone!



In the middle of the Ocean
tiny little vessel
i keep sailing towards the deep turbulent
open waters on my life's personal journey. .

There have been small waves, huge waves,
stormy skies, dark nights of tears and despair
silent weeping in the grip of fear
or total surrender to an end
looking so frightfully and unavoidably near.

Nine years!...
since my sudden engagement with Death
and yet i am still here!!!

This is a very significant milestone for me.

If champagne is the modern symbol of celebration
and if i could drink a glass of it, perhaps i would
not so much for the length of time
which in itself is near unbelievable
but for the many many happy events
i was fortunate to witness, be part of
and enjoy throughout this time.

So instead of champagne
with a Fruity Juicy Sweet Mango
i will mark and celebrate:

"The unexpectedly rich and merciful past
(despite its roller coaster ups and downs)
and the unknown yet somewhat optimistic near future!"

Nine Years! ...

Nine extraordinary years considering the circumstances
and way beyond the initial grim announcement
of " 2-5 years maximum!..."

It has taken a lot of strife and sacrifices in every area of my life
and no doubt there will be many more along the way
but it is satisfactory to see that the exchange
has been Life!

Despite Life's difficulties, personal shortcomings and ignorance
in this area which remains still largely untreatable
and very little under control by the specialists
i believe that with the help of Mother Nature's miraculous fruits
i must have been doing Some things Right all along
and this for me is a Personal Triumph
and the only acknowledgement and Trophy for it

is My Life Here and Now...among the Living!

Now!....where is that Mango!!!

reconstructing...

That's me reconstructing "Sun" Lol!

       

Who me?...

I received this message with an attachment from Teddy:

" I've been meaning to send you this photo for some time :)
Reminds me of your fruit drink
and I see it every month when driving to ... !"



Not that i would ever do such thing when enjoying my Fruity!...



************************************************************







*************************************************************


Ok!... maybe!......and maybe i make the sounds that come with it too!

Who could possibly resist?

"Desper...ado!"

Avocados are rather rare during this time of year
but there is a guy at the Redcliffe markets who owns
800 trees and luckily for me he comes there
and i buy some at a rather high price currently.

On Sunday he was not there when we arrived
and the Banana guy told us that he would be
arriving later so we returned home, went swimming
and then back to the markets for avocados.

Going to the markets twice when once is bad enough
to ware both of our bodies and souls out
was because the avocados now constitute the main bone
of my current diet and are more important than even
the bananas or pawpaws.

On the way there i was thinking about
how i was a bit anxious, really hoping to find them
and feeling sort of... "Desperate for Avocados"
which of course made me a real ..."Desper...Ado!"

So now we know the origin of the word 'Desperado!'
-in case any one was wondering!


And that's what a real "Desper ado" looks like

....... after someone has bought a box of it! lol!

Eclipse for a thousand years

Read My Eclipse
Friday, 15 January 2010
Source:NASA



To catch the greatest show on earth today, you'd need to be in Uganda, Kenya, The Maldives, Southern India, Northern Sri Lanka, Myanmar, China's Yunnan and Sichuan provinces or the Shandong peninsula. There, you'd witness a spectacular solar eclipse, where the Moon appears slightly smaller than the Sun, creating a breathtaking ring of fire in the longest annular eclipse for a thousand years. Happily, to benefit from this,
you need not see it. Wherever you are, whatever sign you belong to, there'll come a moment, this weekend, when the 'usual rules'
no longer apply...... in the nicest possible way.


By Jonathan Cainer
http://www.cainer.com

Chinese - - - Really??!!...

Something similar to a Bull and the red colour
happens to me pretty frequently at the markets
when i see...green!

I feel a blind urge to charge!

So last Sunday while wandering among the fruits
and veggies at the Redcliffe markets,
i happened to notice a "Chinese Vegetables" sign
in one of the stalls.

The colour of the bunches was that irresistible fresh green
just like the blood of a young plant
which aroused the fytodracula instinct in me
and i lost all sense of discipline and the strength
to resist either the price or the logic
that i had no idea what the taste might be
or the way they could be eaten.

I simply surrendered and charged!

When i brought them home, it took a while admiring
and salivating before i finally put them in the fridge
and then i seriously started to consider the fact that
i had no idea what the names were or whether they
are supposed to be eaten raw in salad or cooked etc.

Basically i prefer the 100% raw foods so that i get the
maximum benefit of all nutrients, but there are some
that cannot be eaten raw whether i like it or not
so i started a small try with raw in the salad topping
but because i had some small kidney irritation and
could not locate the reason i treated them as suspects
and decided to steam them very very lightly and see
what the result would be in the kidney area or at least
until the real culprit was found.

With the very first forkful my eyes jumped out of their
sockets with a surprised delight and immense pleasure
because the Chinese veggies when cooked turned out to be
no other than my very favourite and very very,
as far as i m concerned ...Greek Vleta!...

I always loved them back then in that other life
but they were only for my father as they were too dear
and even for me later on to ever buy them
in my own little family.

So the experience was absolutely exhilarating
and i intend to repeat it more frequently
until i find their specific name and properties
which of course together with the responses
of my kidneys may put an end on this pleasure too

         

But until then.....Viva la Greek-Chinese Vleta!!!

Finally

Well!...Finally today!...

It was not like i had done all that i had to do
nor that i was exactly in the right mood for it
but rather that like an impatient young lover
wanting it to be just perfect for the first time
yet could not wait for it to happen either!

So ... very impatiently at last, i Ripped it out
of its wrappings and set it up on my lap
and immersed myself in the pleasures of my
very first -and only!- wooden Sudoku Board game!

So happy and excited i was that i managed to set
the initial pieces wrong ...and i could not do it
after two frustrated repeats,
until Teddy suspected and checked it out and found the error.

After that it was down within a few minutes
but it was one of the easiest ones until my brain
gets used to the size of it which is considerably
larger than the notebook ones i was working with.

Additionally i am a bit rusty because after the painful
disappointment of my previous attempt to get one
for my Teddy i stopped playing with it all together
even though i collected and saved very carefully
new ones every week.

Now that two good angels, one in the sky and one on earth
unexpectedly brought it back in my life
i m ready and set for many happy repeats!


Here it is my little toy



Isn't it a little beauty?

Five Years ...

*

Jan 2005 -2010

Five Years...


My world has not and Never will Be without Sonia

*

There is no day that goes by that she is not in my mind.
There is no day i do not speak to her
or look for her image in my head
or feel for her presence like an aura around me.

Yet there are moments that i miss her terribly.
I miss her so much that pain and tears well up and flood me...

A pain so deep that hurts like the burning of a fresh open wound.

I cannot touch her and this hurts...


In the brightness of every Full Moon i often seek her face



In its light i seek her essence
like a light that i can see up in the sky
and a light that i can touch on my skin
and i can feel it bright on my face
as i am looking up to her.

A light that can touch me and wrap itself around me
for just a few seconds a couple of nights every month
when there are no clouds in the sky...

*

Manoula

My heart a Burning Candle in your Memory
and when its flame ends
may it come and rest with you in serenity.

THANKS ! ! !

To All Our Loved Ones

Including All the Ones Overseas:

We Enjoyed Your Visit

And Your Warm and Precious Love

And We ll Derive a Lot of Pleasure

From All Your Terrific Xmas Presents

Throughout the Year!



Mum & Dad